did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
