i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
