There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
