No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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