Do you still have your period?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
