I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
