its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
