Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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