i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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