I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize