i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
