the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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