I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
