Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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