never play flip cup with pint glasses
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
