i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
