Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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