The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
