u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
