I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
