I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
