The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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