I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
