If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
there is glitter all over my balls
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
