Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
