ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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