Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
