I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
