there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
