i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
