Will you blow on my dice?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
