What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
