listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
