Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Drunk is a universal language darling
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
