garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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