You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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