Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
