Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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