If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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