My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you didnt know i had herpes?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
