Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
