Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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