We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
