I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
