You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
