Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
