Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
