I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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