be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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