I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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