How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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