Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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