he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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