Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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