Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
